Our Life Story

Aren't we all feeling this?

The Chaos

What am I supposed to believe? What am I supposed to do? In a place like this where nothing stays like it is, a time which I never seem to get a hold on for a while- I guess everything just moved too fast. It’s the memories. It’s my brain. So many memories made in a really limited time. They constantly play in my head, I swear, every single little thing. I remember every small thing so precisely. Even when I’m sleeping, my subconscious is constantly thinking of it. No matter what I do, there is no escape. How am I supposed to make things right? What is the right thing to do? How am I supposed to settle this? It’s like my mind constantly keeps asking me this question. What do you think? What’s right? What’s wrong? I seem to fail to find a balance in which I can proudly say that everything is just right. Truth is there is no “my heart says something and my brain says something else”. It’s like you keep desperately asking yourself one question- what do you want? What do you believe is true? And what answer do you get? Silence, confusion, CHAOS. Is this supposed to be? Aren’t we a little too young to step out in the rain just to cry a little freely? Aren’t we a little too young to glance at the setting sun and wish to disappear somewhere where there’s no need to do the right thing? At the end of the day, I think, none of what we constantly keep thinking changes anything. You don’t wanna fall asleep tonight? Don’t. Don’t wanna wake up for days? Don’t. Don’t feel like talking to that mean person? Don’t. Don’t feel like eating? Don’t. Don’t feel like running that extra mile? Don’t. Of course, that’s a temporary don’t. But I happen to be a firm believer of taking breaks. Once in a while- as little as 1% of the time, you gotta get what you really want. THAT is what you need. And honestly, I wouldn’t judge. It’s a rule that society expects us to fit in. There is no option. And while it is rather easy to say that you can make a change, truth is, you get to change nothing. But you get this one life. There was nothing before it, there will be nothing after it. At least for you. Again, aren’t we a little too young to be thinking about death and what comes after it? At this point, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a mind clear of thoughts. Every time I close my eyes, it’s like a thousand memories cross my mind. Aren’t we a little too young to feel a little lost inside? With every breath I take, I sometimes feel myself going insane. Getting lost, walking deeper into the maze I’m so completely and utterly lost in. Somedays I wish I could just sleep my way through life. Somedays I wish I didn’t have to sleep at all. Sleep is our escape, dreams are nothing less than enchanting. But there is no escaping reality, is there? The timing’s all wrong, I wish I could go on forever and sometimes I wish I wouldn’t. There’s just no way. My subconscious has created a barrier I couldn’t possibly cross. Not this time. This is the reality. I might escape it from time to time, but the escape is only from my own thoughts. Our worlds are a mixture of chaos, with something somewhere just right that gives the chaos a purpose, it makes the chaos sensible. What if you lose that one thing? Wish nothing was “wrong”. Wish nothing was too tough to happen. Wish everyone was truly happy, in and out. Wish nothing was too far out of our reach. Wish we could always be, as we were, in our happy time together.




How Long Before You Forget?

I stare at the clock in my room. Sometime in the past month, it has stopped working. It shows 2:07. I have a feeling it had been AM, not that it matters. The thing about it is, I could stare at it for 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, even more. I have all the time in the world. I lay there, merely breathing. I keep telling myself it can be over anytime I want. I also try to convince myself it’s not as simple as I think. No matter how long I lie in bed trying to think, it still shows the same time- 2:07. The clock in my room is somehow a lot like my brain. Stuck. My thoughts are like a tape recorder, stuck at the same point, replaying the same thing over, and over, and over. Letting go of something’s really bitter, isn’t it? You’re so scared of forgetting it you never wanna let it go. Even when you know you can loosen your grip a bit and let it slowly slip away if you want to, you hold on to it like your life depends on it, and maybe it does? You can’t let go. You’re holding on to the hurt, you’re holding on to the sadness. You’re holding on to the belief that someday something magical will happen and you won’t have to think of it, ever again. I have lost my heart to the chaos in my mind. I have lost my soul to the chaos in my life. I have lost myself to the chaos of my thoughts. With every day that passes by, I can feel myself fading off, losing myself to the words on this piece of paper I write on, losing myself to the rain pouring down on me, to the wind blowing past me, to the people passing by me. I feel like a sandcastle built too close to the water, wrecked by the waves before you can so much as repair it. I feel like the setting sun, just this once unsure if it will ever rise again, looking over the earth, strongly believing it’s the last time I’ll ever see this part of the earth again. I feel like the words on this page, meant to be forgotten really, really soon. I have been shut out. It’s like a door life slammed into my face. I can’t sleep, but all my dreams are of you. I can’t talk, but all my word are about you. I can’t think, but all my thoughts are about you. So tell me, if I died, now, today, anytime now, will you remember? After one, two, three months, will I still be the one whose face you see when you close your eyes? Will you cry if suddenly one day you came across a picture of me? After the stretch of life, as time passes by, will you really remember me? Will you remember how I lied when I said I’ll see you tomorrow when I knew it was the last goodbye I’ll ever say to you? That there is no tomorrow when we will meet? After everyone has forgotten me, will you still remember me and all the things I did, the way I lived, the way I acted, the way I was? Will you still see me in all the little places? Will I still be a hole no one can ever fill? Will you secretly wish I just show up and scream “Gotcha!” in your face and then you can curse and scream at me for being the asshole that I am? Will you hate me for leaving you? For how long? How long will it take before one day, you realize you’ve let go of my memory, totally and completely?

What We All See

It really is fake, we really are pretending.
In this crowd of “happy” humans
We all laugh, we all smile,
But we all know how broken we are inside.

One of us will bleed from a cut before he sleeps,
One will wet her pillow with tears.
That one laughing with his group of friends?
He’s going to have a sleepless night.

She there- she needs meds to fall asleep,
That one- he’s barely keeping his smile.
The girl who stands there holding her composure,
Her inner self is screaming, restless inside.

That boy who’s sitting there minding his business,
His parents are getting divorced,
That girl behind him playing with her food,
She’s starving herself to fit into that dress she likes.

That guy over there standing at the railing,
The girl he loves broke his heart last night.
That girl there? Standing gloomily with her friend?
She feels like shit all the damn time.

That boy standing there? Whose shoes are torn?
His family’s bankrupt, they don’t have a dime.
That girl you saw rush into the bathroom?
Those guys were bullying her, she needed to cry.

That pretty girl there? Looking practically flawless?
She’s seriously considering killing herself tonight.
That cheerful girl there? Hopping through the corridor?
She needs to cut herself just to feel alive.

The all are among us, all these people.
They’re all just lonely with nowhere to go.
They feel like shit, they all feel like they’re nothing.
They all wanna cry but they hold up that smile.

Who are you to judge when you see a cut on someone’s arm?
Who are you to judge if ever you catch them crying?
Who are you to judge them for being depressed?
Who are you, and can’t you feel we’re sad?


What We Lost

There’s something missing, you can feel it in your bones. You’re somehow not the same anymore. You’re not the person you want to be, or what you thought you were, or what others think you are. You’re suddenly no one, you’ve shrunk yourself into nothingness, some part of you is just-it’s dead. You don’t feel like reviving it, you don’t feel like doing anything about it. You miss it so much. Happiness. Contentness. The rush in your brain, the thrill. The feelings. You’re just a shell of what you used to be- walking around like a zombie, no actual feelings, no thinking, no opinions, no desire to even try to be happy. Everything feels like a task- breathing, opening your eyes, thinking, doing anything at all. You want to disappear, disappear somewhere where you don’t need to do have morals, no need to be right, no need to be nice, no need to be anything except whatever the fuck you wanna be. It’s lost inside you, the happiness, killed by tiny little things, drop after drop, you’ve almost lost yourself, and you don’t wanna find yourself back, you don’t want anything, you’re just existing, you’re just a living, dead person, and you don’t feel like changing it. You’ve almost lost it, you’re still fighting this war even though you think you’ll lose, because it’s all you can do. You’ve almost lost yourself, and you’re not even sure if you want yourself back. You’re on this road, you’re stranded, you’re alone, but somehow you feel that you’ll find yourself again, if you continue walking. Walking is all you can do, it’s all you’ve known. In the loneliest road on the planet, it’s your quest to find your heart, to win back your soul, to live off this life. You’ve almost lost yourself, but somewhere on this road of lonliness, you hope to find yourself, and wish not to at the same time, it’s the confusion in your brain, the heaviness in your breath, the haziness in your vision, the emptiness in your soul. You want to end this, and you want it to last. You want to chase this, and you want to run away. You want to embrace this, but at the same time you don’t. You want to love this, but at the same time you can’t. 

Everyday Things

She sat on her bed that night,

Tears falling from her eyes.

She saw her demons everywhere,

Her soul was colder than ice.

She was numb to the pain now,

It was her drug, she craved more,

Nothing they said meant anything anymore,

Every word sounded like a lie

Do they really mean it? What all they say?

Do they really think about me that way?

Her sobs were silent, cries unheard,

For her pain spoke louder than her words

“Pain changes all,” she was once told,

She wasn’t the same anymore

And as she put up a smile

The heavy tears blurred her eyes

She didn’t mean anything to anyone here,

Just an empty soul, no love to share.

Her eyes looked deep, dark and pained.

But no one noticed, they just emptily stared.

She trusted people more than they cared,

She knew she shouldn’t but somehow she still dared

“Will I last another heartbreak?”

She glanced down at her arms, smiling she stared.

Nobody understood what really went on,

She hid it from the world,

She hid it from them all

Nobody really cared after all

Her nights were sleepless, always had been

Always hollow, teary and sad

This was the routine she was accustomed to

Everything had been the same now for long

Our Silence

All those words I couldn’t say

All those tears I cried in vain

Wasn’t it all a little too perfect?

Weren’t we a little too happy?

I won’t lie- I knew it was short lived

I won’t lie- it’s hard not to give in

And with all the songs I’ve been listening

I guess I won’t be able to tell you anything

I’m dying to say something I swear

Not just something a lotta things to be clear

But I just cannot- not this time around

It’s just too messed for me to drown out

I’ll have to keep quiet- I won’t say a word.

I know you can look into my eyes and tell

What’s going on in my head- or can’t you?

Even though I know I avoid eye contact

What’s the truth? What remains now?

What’s gonna happen and what not?

I’m still a little shaken, a little too confused

I’m sorry, I am, but it’s all changed now.

Something For a Friend

Cold floor, sitting upright

Little truth, bitter lies.

Laughing face, crying eyes

Teary pillow, silent cries.

Late night, no lights

Deep thoughts, dark fears

Nightmares, dried tears

no noise, one broken voice

crying in, breaking down

cursing luck, screaming out

broken heart, broken life

broken body, broken soul

scary demons, desperate cries

vulnerable mind, chaotic mind

feeling helpless, letting out

no blood, no knife

confused looks, fake smiles

blurry eyes, blurry life.

What Rain Brings

There’s something in the way the rain falls on the earth that makes my heart sink deep in my chest with the heaviness of restlessness. I never liked the smell of damp mud. Don’t get me wrong- I love nature, and I like rain- sometimes. It’s just that something about rain always leaves a restless longing in my heart, a certain impatience. I feel the hope that great things could happen, but I also lose the hope that they could happen for me. It’s like my whole world is crashing down, coming down to my feet, drop after drop, in the form of this storm. The lighting is just god telling me I’m a let down. Never thought rain could feel so sad? Surprise, surprise. Truth is, life is sad. You find ways to distract yourself from this sadness, you travel the world, eat your ice cream, paint on canvasses, cook that delicious meal, take that shopping trip, but come the night, if you’re sad and you wanna cry, then that’s that. Things are gonna shake you up, drag you down, and you’d have no option but to tough it out. The people who could help you through it may not be with you or may not want to, and it’s barely their fault. People get tired of dealing with your shit. And you wouldn’t wanna force them. You can’t. The rain brings along a general feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, dreadfulness. It’s all pretty outside, you can even breathe a little freely  because the dust has settled down- but once the rain is over it all feels so sad. It gets a little unbearable. You look at the sky and wonder, why is my head so fucked up?

What Today Brings

From where you’re lying on your bed, you can see your window. It’s sunny outside today, you can see the sunlight getting strained through the leaves of the tree outside, slowly being diminished, obstructed as it reaches the ground. It’s gonna be a long day, you can feel it. You should be studying, you know. But you don’t. You don’t wanna. Days like these, you can barely do anything but hug you pillow tightly to your chest, lying on your bed, waiting for the day to pass off. The reason? Nothing, just, you just don’t feel like doing anything. You’re not thinking that much, just a constant stream of thoughts that go naturally in your brain. You close your eyes. You don’t wish to be disturbed. But the thinking’s getting too much. You open them back up. You have a lot to do. It’s like you know you’re not gonna get up today, but it’s still in the back of your mind. Constantly bugging you, pulling your heart down. It’s so silent, you can hear the clock’s hand ticking. You wanna sleep. You’re not tired. But you don’t wanna think. You can hear the vehicles on the road across your room. You can hear the honks, the sounds of the engines of motorbikes. The bird on the tree is chirping. You wanna distract your mind. Is it working? No. Thing is, your mind isn’t thinking in the chaotic way it usually does. Today it’s a constant, continuous stream of thoughts. You can think clearly today, after oh so many days. And everything you’ve heard, and everything you’ve seen, and everything you’ve known, your mind wants to sort it out today. But you don’t wanna. You don’t want a conclusion, you don’t want a decision. Not now when you can have it. You wanna put it away. You are putting it away. At least trying to. You get up. You jump off the bed and you distract yourself with anything, organizing. You have to settle this unrest in your heart. Someday maybe, but today is not that day.

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